


Too Sexy for My Talk

by annabeth_at_the_helm



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: 1950s, Adultery, Attempt at Humor, Bad Dirty Talk, Canon Het Relationship, Cheating, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Frank is too selfish, Infidelity, Korean War, Purple Prose, but not so wonderful, lipless wonder, lousy lover, on purpose purple prose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:28:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24587605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annabeth_at_the_helm/pseuds/annabeth_at_the_helm
Summary: "Pierce me with your bayonet, Frank," Margaret said, arching her back and letting her legs fall open.written for a bonus fill of "Sexy Talk" for Banned Together Bingo 2020.
Relationships: Frank Burns/Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan
Comments: 3
Kudos: 4
Collections: Banned Together Bingo 2020





	Too Sexy for My Talk

**Author's Note:**

> I went with subverting the trope for this one, ergo, it's _bad_ sexy talk, but it's still dirty talk in bed. :P

"Pierce me with your bayonet, Frank," Margaret said, arching her back and letting her legs fall open.

"Oh yes, darling, my tumescent warrior is going to dock inside your port," Frank said, clutching himself and moving forward to spear her with his cock.

"It's so good, Frank. Dock me, dock me!" she cried, gasping. "Let me have it, all of your thick, throbbing sword, Frank!"

"You have it, darling! I'm cocked like a gun ready to go off, Margaret. I'll fill your hot blossoming passage with my love juice." Frank pumped his hips and Margaret shrieked, clawing at his back and hooking her ankles together over his buttocks. 

"Yes, Frank, I love your gun, I love the gun oil you're going to pour into me. Lubricate me like you would a jeep's engine, Frank!"

"My prow seeks the ocean inside you!" Frank delivered another thrust, angled shallowly, and Margaret bowed off the bed in her attempts to bring him deeper. 

"An ocean has depths, Frank! Plumb them! Screw your courage up to the sticking point and man me, Frank. Go deeper, you ferrety-faced dunderhead!"

"Oh, Margaret, I love when you become overset and use nicknames, but haste will get us nowhere but swept out to sea. Let me use my lance to fulminate you!" He punctuated this declaration with a decisive squeeze into her tightness. 

"Frank, darling, I don't think that word means what you think it means." Margaret kept her legs open in an ungainly sprawl, her swelling lips clinging to the length of his cock when he tried to withdraw. 

The dew inside her channel was wetting them both, making his slippery slide into her body more than mere convention. 

"What word? Oh, Margaret, _yes_. Hug me tightly with your kegels!" Frank was in raptures, pounding away at her like she was a rocky beach and he the unforgiving surf.

As if he'd wear her away to eminent softness. Margaret stretched her back, rocked towards Frank, but he was lost in his own bliss, ramming her mercilessly as he strove for his sole pleasure.

"Frank! Give me your bulbous head to my special hidden garden! And… uh, don't overdo it, Frank, you'll split the rubber sock." But he was beyond hearing; he pumped his hips, he licked his lips, and he clutched at her pelvis so tightly it ached.

"Ah! Margaret! Your sweet honey pot calls me—I'm so close, I will soon christen your tasty nether bits."

"If they're that tasty, why don't you eat them up? I'm waiting, Frank. Your gun is prodigious, but a woman craves satisfaction. I must be met equally on the duelling field! It's your choice of weapons but I'm waiting for my little death, Frank."

"Honey, I'm c-coming!" Frank spluttered unattractively, mouth pinched, nose wrinkled, and flopped onto her, his heavy weight sweaty and confining, and his breath too hot and sour.

He lay there, plastered to her, squashing her breasts till they hurt, and breathing like a bellows while Margaret waited in vain agony for her own relief. Which, when Frank finally rolled off, seemed less and less likely. She made a grab for his shoulder, to bring him back, to give her what she needed, but as he began to put his uniform to rights, she realized her own satisfaction would be unforthcoming. 

"Were you calling out for your _wife_ , Frank?" she said acerbically. 

"Not now, Margaret. My little general is worn out, seeing to your needy demands. I must have a nap and recuperate."

" _Frank!_ " Margaret huffed in disgust, but he simply ignored her, as he was wont to do once he'd achieved his own satisfaction.

And he left the tent, the lipless weasel. Margaret pounded her pillow, flipped up the corner, and retrieved her vibrator.

Some things a woman needed to do alone.


End file.
